This month has been exhausting for me. I thought January was the dumping ground for the worst fucking movies (hence me skipping the column entirely for the month) guess again. February is the new January because I have never seen so many bad movies. So bad that I am just taking a hiatus on watching new releases at the theatre (until March rolls around at least). As far as January movies that were good/decent, only two I can think of which were The Grey and Haywire. You can figure out what I thought about for the rest of the January releases. Onto the Febraury releases The Good (which is self explanatory), The Bad (or I would just call it mediocre), and the Fucking Uglies (which are horrible and should be avoided like the plague).
Chronicle- To me this storyline had a Carrie feel to it mixed with parts of Hancock. A boy wanting to be in the popular group to be away from his troubles at home (abusive dad and a sick mother) acquires a special power which brings 3 kids together only things take a turn from good to horrible. Loved Steve in this movie he made the movie fun but once he left it just got dark quickly. My only question is if someone is struck by lightning will there be a body and how did they find the body if Andrew didn't tell anybody?
The Woman In Black- Loved the overall dark tone/setting of this movie. The twist ending was also unexpected. Not very scary (to me at least) but it was edge of your seat suspenseful. My only question I had was if the boy was buried in the mud and they recovered the body would the body still have any skin left after all these years? I thought it would just be bones that are left?
Safe House- Tried to make a Bourne Identity type movie but came out like Body of Lies.I thought this movie was a borderline good movie just felt the storyline was bogged down by the utter chaos that ensued from the beginning and the complicated twists and turns throughout the movie. Didn't really have any character development so didn't really care who lived or who died at the end. Not very memorable either.
Act of Valor- If it was solely based on the action sequences this movie would definitely get an A+. However, the most difficult part of the movie was the wooden dialogue I had to endure throughout the movie. I cringed everytime one of those non-actors/actresses opened there mouths. I can tell they are not actors because everytime they talked I felt like I was watching a made-for-TV movie. They should have just dubbed the voice.
Star Wars: Episode 1- Phantom Menace 3D- Did I miss something or was I dreaming? There was nothing 3D in this movie just the same mediocre movie as last time? WTF? Damn you George Lucas!!!!! I still stand by this is the worst out of the six Star Wars movies. You got the most annoying character Jar Jar Binks and the cringe worthy horrible little kid playing Anakin that you just want to strangle. Is it me or does it seem creepy that the boy seems to be about 7-8 years old maybe younger and Natalie Portman was in her teens and they end up falling in love? Can you say statutory rape?
This Means War- Only thing that remotely amused me was Chelsea Handler only she had a cameo role. Which is worst- a McG directed film or a Brett Ratner directed film? Hmmmm....McG probably ended any future Terminator movies from happening as he shitted all over the last Terminator movie. I thought we got rid of him and hence they give him another shot at making more shitty movies. The problem I had with this film is that they use the CIA for there own benefits without any reprecussions from the CIA. Really? Then they have an all out fight at a restaurant without any workers/managers/owners stopping them? Really? On top of all the absurdity was they are filmed by a news crew helicopter that they are CIA's yet they are still able to work for the CIA? C'mon give me a break. Oh yeah let's also let Reese help us out on our secret government assignments too. No fucking problem we don't care about the terrorists as long as we can use the government's resources for our own benefits and have a big fucking laugh at it too. No wonder why this was a 14-year old script that McG probably dug out from the trash bin.
Tyler Perry's Good Deeds- Yet another predictable Tyler Perry movie. How original the guy's last name was Deeds. Wasn't there an Adam Sandler movie with the same last name as well? Is Thandie Newton a horrible actress or what? She was sooooo annoying I just wanted to choke a bitch out. Out of all the places to vacation Tyler Perry picks Africa to woo a woman? WTF? Just shoot me.
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island- What's worse Luis Guzman's face or his acting skills? Hmmmm..... I don't know what possessed me to go see this movie. Maybe it was Vanessa Hudgen's short shorts in the trailers that had me mesmerized or maybe the 3D IMAX experience but I will admit that I have not seen the original one with Brendan Fraser. I thought the Rock turned the corner when he did Fast Five and that his days of doing crappy kiddie movies was behind him but I guess I was wrong. This was a cheesy, fun, mindless film that had the similarities of Honey I Shrunk The Kids. Favorite part by far was the styrofoam rocks bouncing everywhere near the end of the movie. Arghhhh shitty props that they use.
The Fucking Uglies
The Vow- I think I got brain damage myself from watching this shitty movie. The ending was so horrible that it erased everything I had seen previously. Kinda like The Life of David Gale with Kevin Spacey where you just sit there and say WTF just happened? The one scene from this movie that I just can't get out of my head is when Channing Tatum is taking out the trash while holding a slice of pizza in the other hand. Then dumps the trash and grabs the cat and goes into the house. WTF? Who writes this shit? After watching 21 Jump Street a couple days ago, I am officially avoiding any and all Channing Tatum movies from this day forward. One of the worst actors in the business today.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance- You know the movie is bad when the sequel is worst than the shitty original. I thought Eva Mendes was the main problem in the first one so they took her out and added Idris Elba, boy was I totally wrong. The script is shitty and oh yeah Nicolas Cage is in this one too. Just felt bored and couldn't wait until the movie was over. Felt like I was watching an extended Mighty Morphins Power Ranger movie. Probably the worst movie of the.....wait, hold up, we have a breaking announcement....
Wanderlust- This was even more fucking horrible than GH2! Possibly the culmination of my downfall of my movie going experience for the month. Just felt the jokes were forced and then they would repeat the same tired jokes a second, third and fourth time. If you didn't like the jokes then you were just stuck staring at the ceiling waiting for the movie to end. Yeah hippees, nudists and a commune. Big fucking whoop. Let's make fun of them. I have never seen so many dicks, sagging titties and wrinkled asses in one movie coming from fat, ugly, old fucks. I think I ruined my virgin eyes forever not even bleach could wash away the horrible images I had to endure. Jennifer Aniston please, please go back to doing television shows and take Katherine Heigl with you. I am officially staying away from both of them no matter what movies they are doing.
Gone- I doubt this is gonna be an earth shattering movie. It's a serial killer movie thriller but the real clue is it's only PG-13. Been there done that.
Big Miracle- Do we really need another fucking whale movie? Do we care?
Secret World of Arrietty- Love me some Hayao Miyazaki but wait he only wrote the script? Hmmm this is a bit misleading.