‘Jack Reacher’ is a new movie based on a series of popular novels from Lee Childs. The novels are about the character Jack Reacher, who is a former Army veteran who was in the Military Police. Jack has a near photographic memory and can read people and situations with uncanny accuracy. He is about 6 feet 5 inches tall and very muscular. After leaving the service, he has stayed ‘off the grid’ by travelling by bus, paying in cash and keeping a very low profile.
LG: I could make a movie about a guy like that, and I would make him a super powerful &#^$*@ with a massive &#^$*@. I don’t give a &#^$*@ if he would kill about 50 &#^$*@ with a machine gun. The guy’s gotta be way over the top in size and strength, like he could &#^$*@ rip off the head of a bad guy and use it for batting practice.
‘Jack Reacher’ is played by Tom Cruise.
LG: TOM &#^$*@ CRUISE? What kind of &#^$*@ up &#^$*@ is that? He could not &#^$*@ his way out out of a wet paper bag full of &#^$*@!!!!
Well, anyways Cruise stars as Jack Reacher, who is called on by another Army vet (named Barr) who is charged with a random sniper murder spree. The guy charged had done something once before, but Reacher had not been able to bring him to justice. So Reacher goes to Pittsburgh to do his own investigation.
LG: Fer cryin’ out loud! Why would you set a major picture in Pittsburgh? I would not be caught dead in Pittsburgh with my pants down &#^$*@ a &#^$*@ with &#^$*@ on her &#^$*@.
Ahem, Reacher meets the lawyer Helen Rodin (Rosamund Pike) who is defending the soldier. Who, by the way, is the daughter of the local Prosecutor Alex Rodin (Richard Jenkins). Detective Emerson (David Oyelowo) has enough evidence to put the guy away and ask for the death penalty.
LG: I can tell you who should get the death penalty! It is the &#^$*@ who put this movie together! A bunch of &#^$*@ losers…
On to the story. When Reacher starts to make inquiries into the background of the murders, there are some things that seem to show that Barr might have been set up as the fall guy. Reacher gets accosted outside of a bar. But he shows his superior kills in hand-to-hand combat and takes down three of the guys who attack him. The two other one run away.
LG: Where are the explosions? Where are the car chase scenes? Does anything happen in this piece of &#^$*@ movie?
Well, yes there is a car chase in the middle of the night and Reacher is surrounded by cops. But he slows down the car and steps out and gets into a line waiting for the bus. That is not where the police would look for him, so he can get away.
LG: Who would be &#^$*@ stupid enough to bail on a fast getaway car and instead get on the bus? What does he do next? Get a change of clothes at Goodwill?
He actually did that already. But Reacher is on the track of a group that set up Barr and made the murders look like they were random. But one of the people killed was the one being targeted. So Jack works with Helen to get more information. This lead him to a distant gun shooting range where he meets the owner, named Cash (Robert Duval).
LG: I’m finding the &#^$*@ in this movie to be so colossal that even the &#^$*@ could not make the &#^$*@.
I don’t even know what that means! Well, anyway there is a bad guy called ‘The Zec’ (Warner Herzog) who is behind a shadowy corporation. Zec is from Russian and had been a gulag. He lost fingers to frostbite, and then also to his own bite. He maimed his own hand to keep from working in the salt mines. The thugs kidnap Helen and threaten her life. Jack works with Cash to come up with a plan to rescue Helen.
LG: I give up. Why the &#^$*@ should anyone give a &#^$*@ about this &#^$*@?!?!?!
NOTE: Mr. Grossman’s views do not reflect the views of the Management or of the author or even of Tom Cruise. If you think that Les Grossman is an over-the-top parody of movie executives, congratulations. You have probably seen ‘Tropic Thunder’ and you know that Tom Cruise created this character for that movie.