Jack the Giant Slayer (review)

‘Jack the Giant Slayer’ is directed by Bryan Singer and written by Christopher McQuarrie. This is the same team that made ‘The Usual Suspects’ back in 1995. So in honor of that, here is an interview of ‘Verbal’ Kint by U.S. Customs agent Dave Kujan.  The interview is as follows:

Dave Kujan: Mr. Kint, now take your time and tell me exactly what happened.

Verbal Kint: Well, there is Jack (Nicolas Hoult) who is a tenet farmer, and the Princess named Isabell (Eleanor Tomlinson). They meet when she runs away from the castle to get away. She tries to get away from her father, King Brahmwell (Ian McShane), and the King’s main guard Elmont (Ewan McGregor), and her despicable future husband Roderick (Stanley Tucci). Jack happens to have some magical beans that can grow into a huge beanstalk.

DK: Magical Beans? What do you think I am, Verbal? A dummy like you?

VK: No, no it is true. The beans are from the days of King Eric He faced off against the Giants in the past and vowed to control them with a magical crown. The one who controlled the crown would control the Giants.

DK: First beans and now a crown?

VK: But Jack got a bean wet, and the huge beanstalk pushed the house that Isabell was in up the mysterious land in the clouds, where the Giants dwelled. They captured her, and the King sent a rescue party up to get her back. Jack, and Elmont and Roderick were among those who went up to get her. Roderick was evil and he double-crossed everyone else. He killed many of the other guards on the way up the stalk to rescue the Princess.

DK: He was evil? So maybe Roderick was actually Keyser Soze? Was he the one who planned all the destruction?

VK: I know nothing about Keyser Soze! Roderick had the magical crown and was able to control the Giants. But Jack and Elmont freed the Princess. They were about to escape, but Roderick fought with Elmont. The King decided to chop down the beanstalk to prevent the Giants from coming down to the Kingdom. But the Giants were able to get the rest of the beans and the crown. So then they could attack the King.

DK: Who was controlling the Giants if Roderick no longer had the crown?

VK: See, that is where the crown is found by the Giant General Fallon (Bill Nighy), who has two heads. He got the magical beans and the crown. So he made a new beanstalk to use to get back to the Kingdom to lead the attack on the King and Princess.

DK: Now there is a two-headed Giant? Was the Giant actually Keyser Soze? Maybe just one of the heads?

VK: Look, I’m telling you everything I know about the story and the battle with the Giants. Maybe because the Giants were so mean and so ugly, one of them might be Keyser Soze.

DK: I knew it! Now we are getting somewhere.

VK: But I don’t know for a fact. It all happened so quickly. And it happened in 3D, and in IMAX format. I really could not tell for sure. Look, I’m just a slow, dumb criminal. But where is a big exciting fun adventure, I do not mind watching it from a distance.

DK: So, just to summarize it. There is a big wild adventure with a King, a Princess, a common peasant named Jack, a huge beanstalk and many noble guards and an evil fiancée, and they all use magical beans and a magical crown to fend off a huge group of Giants. Is that your statement?

VK: Can I get some coffee?

DK: So you’re saying that there are sword fights and battles and sneaky double-crosses and Giants yelling and grunting, and noble efforts and dashing successes. I suppose there is some type of happy ending overall, right? Uh, don’t tell me yet.

VK: I’m really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my …

DK: Yeah, yeah. I think I got enough to go on here. Verbal, you are free to go. I have to go line up ‘The Usual Giants’.